my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
