I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
