i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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