I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
