I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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