Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
