I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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