that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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