The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I did not marry a roomba.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
