so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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