Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
