i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
