She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
