I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
