I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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