I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
