Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign