You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?