Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
