the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
