flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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