The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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