if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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