woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
