Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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