Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
