She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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