we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Come on in and take your pants off
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