a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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