I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
