Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize