What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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