no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
