So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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