I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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