I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
