I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
