I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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