So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
