I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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