So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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