Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
