So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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