If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
