She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
