i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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