There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
