I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
