Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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