i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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