He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
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He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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