he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
