Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot†doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
