Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
