Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
