you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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