when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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