do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
