Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
