Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
