Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
