i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
