My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
