Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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